JUST PLAIN FUCKD // BROS KILLED MY BRO

In my dream it was summer, and I was driving around with my two (not real) brothers, one about 6 years old, and another one somewhere around 21 i would guess. I think we were with our dad too. Anyway, we were driving around near the coast, and it was really nice out. We stopped at a barn sale and I haggled with this old farmer over a bunch of "antique" Darth Vader stuff, ie. there was this big 6 X 8' metal Darth Vader mask hanging on his wall, but it was really rusty, and he wanted $200 for it, so i told him to forget it. We haggled over a bunch of stuff for a while, then we left.

We wound up going to a beach. There was a big canvas tent on the beach, I think for an MTV spring-break sort of show. We went inside and they were filming one of those annoying reality TV "confessions." My 20 year old bro somehow got in a fight with the dude who was on camera, and all of the sudden we were all brawling. We wound up really wailing on the dude who was being interviewed. The whole time we had been inside the tent, our younger brother was waiting outside. When the whole ordeal was settled, we made our way back to where we had left him, but when we got there, we found him impaled on a thin skewer that was stuck in the ground. It was stuck through his head from underneath his chin and was coming out of a gaping, bloody hole in his forehead. It was a totally gruesome image, he was hanging off the ground from the skewer, and parts of his skull were missing, and you could kind of see brain. The worst part was, he was still kind of alive, and he kept gurgling things. The whole thing was so fucked-looking that I screamed, and then i woke up.

Tequila Dreams

So I've recently starting enjoying alcohol again and I decided to have a tequila nightcap...bad idea. I had some crazy dream collages way south of the psychological border and, I guess, you guys benefit from the weirdness. The first little dream blurt took place at my old house in Fitchburg, MA. We had a little one car garage that wasn't attached to the house and the only way to get inside of it was to open the folding door for the car to enter. Turns out, there is a werewolf living in the garage--it is angry too (also, a quick visual note, the werewolf looks like the one in the movie 'An American Werewolf in London'). I keep hearing it howl and snarl and there's blood running out from under the door. I'm sitting in my dad's old blue geo prism convertible and the werewolf gets out and starts charging and ramming the car. All of a sudden, one of those 'dream farts' happens and I'm standing outside of the car with GBRL and the werewolf hasn't gotten out yet. Another dream fart--GBRL goes to open the garage door despite my yells and the werewolf comes charging out straight at me. Right as the werewolf is going to get me, I jump at least 15 feet off the ground to avoid it and ANOTHER DREAM FART. The dream keeps looping with scenes of GBRL letting the wolf out and me jumping over it a la bullfighting scenario. I wake up. I think to myself, "stupid Gabe."

The next dream snippet of the night takes place sort of on the island in LOST. Now that I think about it, it must have been my wishful thoughts of a LOST themepark. Anyway, I'm participating in kind of an interactive scene; mostly I'm running around trying to get out of the actors' way while they reenact the plane crash scene from the first episode. Except the plane crash isn't on the beach but at some weirdo science building (actually, it is a illustrated backdrop of the Sentinal Production Plant from the old X-Men cartoon...which will make more sense soon). There are explosions going off, everyone is running around crazy, and John Locke is wearing Magneto's (from X-Men) phallic helmet. So the calamity continues until John Lock gets sucked into a random jet engine (like that unfortunate extra from the LOST episode) and I wake up.

Finally (though this dream isn't from the tequila, but a few weeks ago) I'm in the living room of my dad's old house which, in real life, is haunted. For some reason I'm laying in a huge metal frame bed in the middle of the living room. My Aunt Kathy (who has down syndrome) is also in the bed with me. The lighting coming through the windows is dark blue; I suppose it's very early morning because I can see everything in the room. The bed is facing the cellar door and for some reason I'm staring at it while my aunt babbles on about something. The cellar door starts to open and I see a hand extend from the crack just as I hide under the covers and pretend to be asleep. My aunt, however, notices this too but starts to cry and whimper and keeps saying "Corey, Corey the ghost is here. What do we do? The ghost is coming." I try to whisper back, "shut up you idiot and pretend to be asleep," but she doesn't hear me because of her whimpering. So I pretend to be asleep, not scared anymore because I know the ghost will kill her and not me because it thinks I'm asleep and then I wake up. AWESOME

ROAD TRIPPING WITH BAXTER

All I remember is that in my dream I wanted to go on a roadtrip to California, but I couldn't convince anyone to come with me. I really didn't want to go by myself, so I tried to persuade my cat Baxter to come with me, but he wasn't interested because he hates going in cars.

maestro colbert

1. i'm watching a tv show about the life of stephen colbert. they're talking about how he started his career as a music teacher at a public school in lutherville. they start interviewing mr. miskimmon, my music teacher in middle school. scene shifts to me in orchestra class and miskimmon talking about how great a guy colbert was. then miskimmon morphs into colbert.

2. i'm in mexico, camping out. there are four tents and it seems to be right outside a big shopping mall. the tents are the classic white cloth tents, like you might see in a civil war movie, except they're only about three feet tall, which makes them pretty uncomfortable. adrian grenier is staying in the tent next to mine. he's just chillin' out, laying around and reading a book or something. i decide to go on inside and see what's there.

once inside the place reminds me more of a big train station than a mall, kind of like the gare du nord in paris. there a bunch of stores, but also many people in different lines in front of various desks. i go stand in one of the lines. ian, barry and dh suddenly pop out of nowhere. they're smoking a bowl and offer it to me. i decline. it turns out they're all really stoned, on mushrooms, and looking for acid to take. going all out. they're also about to try this weird new drug which only affects your vision, giving everything you see a rainbow aura. you take it by putting this shallow plastic cylinder in your mouth (which looks a lot like half a contacts case), and then the drug seeps out through this mesh on its sides. again, they offer some to me, but i decline. they run off to find some acid.

Don Reatard

Although I've only met the famous Don Levine once, he was the star of my dream last night. I was in a ware house, and Don Levine was performing Jay Reatard songs. It turned out that Jay Reatard did not die after all. Furthermore, Jay Reatard was never who he claimed to be! I discovered that Jay Reatard was in fact one of Don Levine's alter egos (similar to the Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines shit). Levine just did not have the energy anymore to continue on as Jay Reatard, so he faked his death. I read Gabe's Don Levine post right before going to bed. Gabe controls my brain.

Pug Drugs

Everything began with me climbing into a fighter jet. Sean was piloting and a few of my friends joined me as the gunners on this aircraft of terror. As we took off I realized my fellow gunners were sitting on a bench with me, our mounted weapons in front of us, without anything to strap us in. As Sean careened around the sky ordering us to take out targets, I felt myself sliding off the bench, towards an opening in the jet. I slid off but managed to hold on to a strap and keep myself from falling to the ground (a la Harrison Ford, Air Force One).

Suddenly we were all transported to a house in Amherst. Someone was hosting a party and all the guests were equipped with hypodermic needles. Everyone seemed to know that we were playing a game whose object was to surreptitiously stab a nearby party-goer with the needle. I got off a few no-look, backwards stabs on people standing behind me. It was pretty sweet because they would crumple to the ground for a few seconds before getting up to continue playing the game. Of course we were all drinking, smoking, and being loud so the cops eventually came. They also brought drug-sniffing dogs and I was freaking out because I had my grinder in my pocket. The dogs were a cross between pugs and German shepherds and were pretty young and amazingly cute. The cops let me play with one and I was able to leave scot-free. I guess pug/German shepherd hybrids are not the best drug-sniffing breed.

SNOW KATS x DONG LEVINE

1. i was at a ski resort with my parents, but we had split up. i had just gotten off the lift and was about to go down the trail when i see this grey tiger cat with fluorescent blue pin-stripes in his fur "skiing" down the trail. by skiing, i mean he had tiny little inflatable donuts strapped to each of his paws. somehow he managed to actually control himself reasonably well, but sometimes he would spin out of control or go backwards (its sort of hard to carve when you have donuts for skis). i tried to figure out where his owner was, but there wasn't anybody else around. one guy who was passing by told me nonchalantly that the cat's name was "bob." i was a little concerned about what was going to happen to "bob" with nobody around to look after him, especially since the trail got a lot steeper and bob's skiing skills were sloppy at best. i decided i would put bob in my coat and take him down the trail, and if i couldn't find an owner, i would adopt him. bob would have been such an awesome pet.

2. i was visiting my parents' house where i grew up. i went for a walk up my street to visit my grandfather, who lived a few houses away. it suddenly dawned on me that my next door neighbor was Don Levine, a professor of mine. i realized this because he was teaching his Melodramatic Film class on his front porch. i got really excited about the fact that i had never made that connection, but then i recalled that i still owed him a paper from a class i took 2 years ago (its true), and i felt awkward. trying to avoid eye contact as i passed his house, i took out a laptop and checked my Facebook. I made it past and walked up to my grandfather's house, only to remember that he didn't live there anymore. i turned around and prepared for another awkward walk back home.

lynchothèque

i'm just getting into some big indiana city (is there such a thing?) with my mom. david lynch is from this town and he owns a motel. the motel's on the outskirts of town. the only marker on the outside of the building is a huge square lit-up sign, probably 30X30 feet. it's got a yellow background with a black and white portrait of lynch's face in the center. pretty cool. i want to live there.

there's also a cinema in town called the lynchothèque, which he owns and runs. i intend to check it out at some point. (i think this is inspired by my favorite paris cinema, the filmothèque du quartier latin.)

we're driving through the city proper now, and all the buildings have this weird look, black with green vertical lights running down all sides. it's a pretty small city, probably only about ten or so big buildings, and we get to the other side and then back within about one minute.

apparently the crayola crayon was also invented here, and there's a huge bronze crayon statue. my mom's out of the dream now. i walk into the crayola gift shop across from the statue to find gabe talking to sarah d, who works there. there aren't many crayon-related things there, it's mostly just shitty needlepoint.

STEVE-O DA CLOWN

I dreamed I was laying on GBRL and Alex's futon (which I actually was sleeping on). I kept noticing an incredibly frightening clown outside the window. He would be hiding in the trees at times, or right up close to the window at other times. I eventually realized that it was Steve-o from Jackass with his face painted like a post-apocalyptic clown. As soon as I acknowledged that it was Steve-o, he began doing spot on (and hilarious) impersonations of people (of both celebrities and regular folks that I know). He would do an impersonation, then disappear into the woods. He would then return later and do another impersonation. This process kept repeating itself, and it was quite enjoyable.

Crisis of Femininity in Masculine Gym Classes

I was back at Mount Holyoke, and it was the start of the fall semester, I think next fall. I was trying to figure out what classes to take, specifically what gym classes, because I needed gym credits*. I was at my paintball class, and I wasn't really feeling it; I was concerned about it being too violent, but also that it was too slow-paced for my advanced skills. The only other course available at that time was the truck course, which was some weird hybrid of learning how to drive 18 wheel semi's and a monster truck course. I woke up before I made a choice, but I think I was leaning towards the truck driving course.

* I really am short in gym credits, so this part of the dream is 100% reality.

Fat Old Gweeds/Oprah Sledding/Criticism

GBRL and Alex had cameos in my dream last night. We were somewhere in NH, although it looked more like a vacant Atlantic City on a beautiful spring evening. I was with 3 dudes who were acting like complete dickheads. For some reason, I felt I had a deep rooted alliance to these guys. They were very "Jersey Shore," only they were all 37 or older and out of shape. I knew GBRL was in town, so I invited him to dinner. I warned him that we would be dining with some pretty big D-Bags though. We ran into GBRL and a mysterious female on some bridge. GBRL couldn't handle the douchey-ness of the 3 bros I was with, so we decided to meet up later.

I then went to a NY Yankees pro shop with the 3 assholes. The pro shop had a Red Sox helmet, so I put it on and told everyone to fuck off and ran out of the building to meet up w/ GBRL.

Suddenly, we were walking to a bar near Prescott Park in Portsmouth, NH, when my American teammate from Hungary pulled up next to us. He said that he left Hungary and signed with a team in the area and needed a place to stay for the time being. We were excited and found out that his new team was in Bakersfield, CA. I told him that I could drive him to Bakersfield whenever he needed me to.

We then had a pretty intense scenery transition. We parked my car at a mall, but it was snowing really hard. We parked right in front of Oprah's house and had to walk up a huge hill in order to get to the mall. We decided to steal Oprah's front door, so we could just sled down the hill on the way back to the car. While in the mall, Alex showed up. He scolded me saying that I post too many of my dreams on the Dream Journl and that I need to make them more concise. he also told me that my posts are riddled with grammatical errors.

We then sled back down the hill on Oprah's door (which was incredibly fun) to find that my car was now buried under a giant snow bank. I then woke up, and contemplated whether or not to actually post this dream.

The Road to the Matrix Reloaded

In my dream somehow I knew I was in The Road, even though I was actually in a desert. The sky was all pukey-looking, so I guess that's how I knew it was The Road. Anyway, we were walking to some important destination when we got attacked by these huge spiders, about the size of, say, pug dogs. They looked like giant black widows, and if you kicked them or hit them too hard, they would break open, and hundreds of little baby spiders would stream out. Both the regular spiders and the tiny spiders were extremely venomous; one bite would kill you. Just as we had cracked open all the big ones and a cloud of tiny ones was forming, a helicopter came and picked us up, so we escaped all the tiny spiders.

The helicopter brought us to the top of an office building. We got out and entered the building. We were brought down a corridor to an office that was actually a portal into the "real world" of the Matrix Reloaded (you know, the one that actually sucks because there's no internet, the beds are made out of sandstone, and everyone keeps trying to get you go to rave orgies?). It turned out the "real world" was pretty similar to an urban flea market, except it was in a big stone cave. Everybody was trading things at stands. Oh yeah, I had begrudgingly saved a friend of ours (lets call her, the Alien), and, having helped her escape the Matrix, I was now responsible for seeing that she got settled in. She didn't have any stuff to survive in Zion (i had to look that up), but luckily our friend Colleen was selling a bunch of stuff. The Alien traded her cell-phone for a bunch of clothes and food. I remember thinking that was a totally crap deal, because cell phones are useless outside of the Matrix. That was the last thing I remember before I woke up.

I'm beginning to suspect that my brain is slacking off, and instead of generating new dream sequences all on its own, it just inserts me into shitty sci-fi/disaster movies that I may or may not have seen. Step it up, Brayne.

Patent Leather Clogs/Warriors/New Year's Eve

I was with my brother and we had to go to a wedding with Brent Barry. I didn't know who was getting married, but they were friends of Brent. My brother had a black tuxedo already for me. I put the tux on, but noticed that there was only 1 shoe in the garment bag. It was a patent leather white clog. I was freaking out, because I needed another shoe. I have abnormally large feet, so I knew it would be very difficult to find patent leather white clogs in my size on such short notice (I had some sort of inherent knowledge that this was the only appropriate shoe for the occasion). I searched through a shoe closet, and found another pair of white clogs. The only problem was that they had visible nike air bubbles on the bottom of them. I knew this was unacceptable. Brent Barry, my brother, and I began scrambling to try to find some patent leather clogs for me.

As we were searching, my dream seamlessly transitioned into a new adventure. We were being chased by some gangsters from the movie warriors. We knew where the clogs were located, but there was a roofless tie-dyed army vehicle that we had to move before being able to access the clogs. My brother instructed me to start this vehicle and drive it fast out of the way. I was very concerned that it was a trap and the car would explode upon being started. After some hesitation, I did as I was instructed. I sped the car out of the way, and jumped out of the moving vehicle as it crashed and exploded. After brushing myself, I noticed one of the Warriors was angrily staring me down, and he began shooting thumb tacks at me. Several thumb tacks pierced through me thigh (I was still wearing my tux). We got the clogs and returned to the site of the wedding. Only now, my tuxedo was covered in blood.

"We did our best," Brent said. "Sorry, buddy." He ruffled my hair, and my brother and Brent went to the wedding. I was too bloody to enter.

Instead, I went to celebrate New Year's Eve with a couple of my high school friends in an abandoned train station. We were waiting for girls to show up, but i woke up before they got there.

Why Would You Wanna Wake Up?

I dreamed I was at a talent show, and it was my turn to perform. I hadn't prepared anything beforehand, and hadn't even planned on performing at the talent show. Then I got it into my head that I would simultaneously sing every part of "Why Would You Wanna Break Up" by Mario (feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett) a Capella, even the beat.

The performance was flawless, and everybody was amazed. Of all the dreams I've ever had, I think I wish the most that this one was true.

If you haven't heard this song, please, enlighten yourself.

vampires X flubber

i'm in a convertible on the highway with a bunch of other people. i'm riding shotgun. we're all pretty strapped with all sorts of firearms. i don't really know what's going on yet. we're going pretty fast and it turns out we're going to jump off a ramp and land on the back of a train that's running parallel to the road. pretty matrix reloaded. i don't think that we're going to make it, it's a pretty big jump, but the driver explains that the car is surrounded by a huge glob of this gooey substance that will propel us far enough to reach the train. now that i'm looking for it i notice it - a transparent shimmering pink stuff. we make the jump and land perfectly on the rear car of the train.

everyone gets out and starts walking along the top of the train. still not sure what we're doing here. one of the girls on the team opens a hatch on top of one of the cars. it's full of people, standing packed in like sardines. they all appear to be sleeping. she jumps in to investigate, pushing around through the sleeping crowd. looking around i notice that one of them is awake and eying her hungrily. suddenly they're all awake and crowding around her. i come to the realization that they're vampires and we're here to exterminate them. fuuuuck.

so the vampires start jumping out of the car before we can close the hatch, and a bunch come out of the next car, too. they start attacking us, we start shooting back, but it's no use, really, bullets don't harm then. plus it's sunny out and nothing's happening to them. (what is this, twilight? dammit!) we're pretty well out numbered and members of the team keep getting picked off. soon enough it's just me against the crowd.

i realize that the weird flubberish substance has formed a bubble around the train and that i can command it to do certain things. a vampire rushes at me but i tell the goo to take it out, and a huge swinging slab of the stuff comes and knocks the vampire off the side of the train. these dudes are quick and they can sort of fly, though, and the vampire manages to glide back towards the train, landing back on the rear car. more attack, and i fight them off with guns and goo, but i realize that i'm running out of ammo and that the goo only has so much power left.

things turn into a one-on-one showdown with this one vampire, who looks pretty much like a normal kid. we'retalking to each other, while keeping a good distance away, 'cause i feel like the conversation is just a distraction so that he can pounce on me. he's saying how being a vampire kinda sucks, but that he has to try and bite me, and he feels bad about it. i've had enough of this stupid dream, and i decide to try and fly off. i jump into the air and manage to fly pretty well, just very slowly. i fly away from the trains and up and over this little ridge, and then i see that from there to the horizon is just hundreds of thousands of vampires. plus that stupid kid vampire is right behind me. i decide to wake up.

Friends Don't Let Friends Snort Marijuana

It was my last class with one of the more rigidly academic English professors I've had (first name, Kirby, for all you UMass English majors), and the class was celebrating by passing around a new product called "Natural Marijuana". Apparently it was completely legal, even though it was essentially the exact same thing as weed, and the way it worked was that you sprayed a white foam out of a bottle and then snorted it through a plastic tube. I was really excited about it and eagerly tried it. Then I started hallucinating.

My professor's hair got really long and stringy, and his skin grew pallid and warty. He suddenly looked like "Groppler Zorn" (from the Star Trek: Next Generation episode that Alex had been watching right before I fell asleep). He then started yelling at us for being high, and saying really cruel things about us, all in Middle English, so there were a lot of "thous" and "thines" used. He was really starting to freak me out when I woke up.

Now if only I can figure out where I can get some of that foaming marijuana...

Sitting in my room. I am at the computer, when I hear a buzz at my door - and in comes a woman who I (for some reason) recognize as my landlord. I try to speak to her, but she's more concerned with letting more people into my apartment. She's visibly upset.

As the thirteenth person enters my bedroom, the landlord leaves in a hurry. I turn and face these people - who are around my age - and I do the only thing I can think of: Throw a party.

Showing the people around the place, I begin to realize that it's actually quite different now, and is evolving into a large cinema. We turn a corner, and suddenly we are in the Woburn Showcase Cinema. But instead of movie screens, there are skee ball games.

"Wow, you have skee ball in your apartment?" someone asks me.
"Uh.. yeah. I guess I do."

We all start to play, someone decides to move in to the place and I wake up.

killer sunlight, yikes (?)

I googled "tree," "laser," "killer sun," etc. for hours, but all I got were pictures of Christmas trees. What gives???

In my dream, well, I forget the premise, but the deal was that whenever the sunlight shone down through the trees, it was transformed from sunlight into laser beams. So, no one could stand under a tree while the light was shining because you would burn and melt and die and shit. Apparently this was common knowledge, and everyone got really pissed at me because I kept walking under trees and everyone had to keep saving my life. What a bummer!

killer janitors, yikes

i'm back at peabody (where i studied music as a kid for 10 or so years). i'm there with my mother and we're meeting up with an old acquaintance, who i was never very close to, and who i thought was kind of a dick. he, however, is very happy to see me, and gives me a hug and bisous (i guess he's european) and all that. he's ready to leave peabody, and it turns out he's one of the last instructors there. his bags are packed. the place is pretty empty.

it turns out everyone has to get out, and soon. the janitors have been given permission to kill anyone they find sticking around. they've been chopping up the bodies and then going over the building, cleaning every inch. there's clorox, buckets, sponges, and mops everywhere. the place is spotless, but only because they've cleaned up the gore so well. we gotta get out of there, but we can't run, it'll just look suspicious. so we speedwalk down this long flight of stairs. apparently they've been dropping body parts down the center of the staircase. ew. the lobby of the building resembles the lobby of my middle school, and we get out of there as quickly as we can, passing a few janitors, who eye us suspiciously, but let us go by. into the parking garage and out.

Punch in da face

I was with my best friend. He asked me if he could punch me in the face. I said yes. He punched me. My lip swelled up and bled. My upper left cuspid and my upper left bicuspid fell out. Uh-oh, I don't have insurance to fix this.

Talent Show

This picture pretty much sums up my dream perfectly.

I was in Louisville, KY with my sister, and she took me to a secret talent show in a small high school gymnasium. She told me that Animal Collective, Man Man, and Dave Attell would be amongst those performing.

It was a pretty unremarkable gymnasium. Most of the performers were sitting in the audience. I was extremely excited to see Man Man and Animal Collective. As the show began, the lights dimmed, and the curtain opened to reveal Wayne Brady. He was singing a grandiose show tune about the evening. The lyrics did not rhyme, but for some reason they seemed to make sense (he even included shout outs to Jeff Dunham, Bruce Willis, and his good friends Animal Collective). He then thanked everyone for coming out, and said that he was excited to be able to get all of his friends together for this unique event.

Wayne Brady left the stage, and a crew began lazily setting up for the first performer. It was taking an extremely long time, and I was very anxious to see who it would be. I began getting frustrated that nothing was happening. There were murmurs in the crowd that Animal Collective was going to kick off the show, but the sound check and stage adjustments seemed infinitely long. Right when it seemed like something was finally going to happen, I woke up.

biscuits

Daft Punk Ate My Homework

I was in my bed, but there was a party going on in my room so I couldn't sleep. I wanted to impress some girls, so I showed them a recent philosophy paper I had written about Daft Punk. It wasn't really about Daft Punk, but I used them in an example of a philosophical argument. I figured this would demonstrate that not only am I deep (hence, taking a philosophy class), but also that I don't take things too seriously, and also I know a lot about Daft Punk.

As I re-read the short paper, I realized that I had never edited it before I handed it in, and in fact, about two thirds of the last page was actually an excerpt from the online prompt that I had plagiarized, and it was highlighted in olive green. It was an example that involved John Locke (the philosopher) and a red Ferrari. I had also somehow managed to copy and paste an entire search-bar as well.

The last few sentences in the paper looked like this:
88834lk; j:::;;3-,,,,..
$)*(&)))):::::::::::' ''..
fd knknk]] ]]];;;;,,,, .

I realized that I probably shouldn't have tried to impress girls with that paper, and moreover, I shouldn't have submitted it in that condition, and finally, that I should have discussed Daft Punk more.

noise mom

1. music performance anxiety dream. performing at peabody in a string trio and for some reason i've got violin duty. the crowd is rowdy as fuck, like an old timey vaudeville audience or something, whistlin' and howlin'. i feel like i'm probably half-competent at the violin, even though i've never played it. somehow i come up with a genius sightreading method which involves inverting what i'm reading since violin strings are in the opposite order of bass strings. doesn't really make sense. i'm ready to just go for it, even though it'll probably suck, but the other members of the trio can't decide what to play. eventually we choose a piece called "bart and lisa."

2. whoopi goldberg on a grainy vhs saying, "i don't know why anyone would want to keep on living."

3. my mom's been collecting music for meditation for a few years. she's finally getting around to putting together a compilation. most of it is new age, but she pulls out a record that she got a while ago and hadn't revisited 'cause it was too noisy. turns out it was an early wet hair album. now she kind of likes it. i'm pumped. cool mom!

I'm going to write this while the dream is still fresh, since I just woke up from a pretty short/kewl dream.

I'm sitting on the side of the road (which happens to be a bridge) with Stacie-Lee not doing much of anything. There are a lot of people milling about, some sitting near us and others looking over the side of the bridge. It's one of those old bridges that have turned green, kind of like the one in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Anyways, lets get to the monkeys. Oh, I said it. Monkeys.

So as we're sitting there, not really talking or anything, the road is suddenly overcome with traffic. One of the cars is blasting rap music, and it's deafeningly loud. I look around to see where it's coming from, and all of a sudden theres this monkey dancing. Now I know we're all familiar with dancing monkeys, pretty standard stuff. But this monkey is dancing. Krumping. He's dressed in a do rag, baggy pants, timbz, flat brimmed hat, big gold chains; gangsterrr monkey. (sidenote: he's a really good dancer).

Stacie-Lee and I see him, and we're both in awe. WOW A DANCING MONKEY quickly turns into I HATE THAT DANCING MONKEY. He's scary. He's hard. He's seen more shit than you or I could ever imagine. And he's mean. I don't want anything to do with him. I am terrified.

The dream then shifted into an image, much like a photograph

Astronaut monkeys. Hip-hop monkeys. Cowboy monkeys. All standing together in front of me.

more wayne on the brain

i've been dreaming in shorter snippets recently. these are all from last night.

1. i'm visiting home (baltimore) for a weekend, a trip i'm not crazy about because it means i'm missing working at the cinema and i need money. so i guess i called up my manager at the record store i used to work at, and i'm there all day saturday, gettin' paid. two of my old managers are now dating and they're making out behind the counter. unprofessional. the place looks suspiciously like the umass ustore. i'm putting some candy on the shelf when lil' wayne walks up. "hey wayne, what's up," i say. i guess we're on a first name basis. we shoot the shit for a couple minutes and he leaves.

2. i'm in dad manor, just chillin' in the living room. there's a set of french doors there, like in my bedroom. i notice some huge creature with a long neck, and i'm pretty sure it was a weird giant eopie from the star wars prequels. there's also two little ones, babies, and they're all three just banging their heads against the doors, trying to get in. i'm a little weirded out.

3. gabe's family has just inherited an estate in texas. his parents have suddenly lost their jobs and he can't find employment, so they all decide to up and move down south. this plan doesn't make sense to me, 'cause gabe's still going to have to pay the rent here, and the whole idea is to save money, but the chicoines insist that it's a good idea. they say the job market's great in texas. whatever.

Surfin' USA

I was at the ocean at night with some friends. For some reason, we were all just hanging out in the parking lot of the beach, drinking and goofing off around a fire. Suddenly a ten-foot tall wave appeared from nowhere and slammed us. Nobody got hurt though, so we just thought it was weird and kind of funny. Then we saw another huge wave, even bigger, coming at us. This time, however, we saw it coming, and it was moving slowly, just faster than we could run away. Eventually it hit us, but like the last time, nobody got hurt, although it sucked that our stuff was getting ruined.

The waves kept coming, getting exponentially bigger, but moving slower. Finally we were able to run out of the parking lot and into a wooded road. I thought we might be safe now that the trees could diffuse the waves.

Then through the trees, or actually over them, we saw one last wave coming. It was gargantuan, probably ten stories tall. I could hear it tearing the trees up from the roots as the black wall of water came toward us. Realizing there was little hope of survival, I grabbed a tree trunk and held on for dear life.

Then I realized that I was an extra in the movie 2012.

Several mini dreams last night:

- I ordered a "Schizophrenic Stuffed Crust Pizza" from the State Mental Hospital (I don't remember the exact ingredients, but it sounded super delicious). Delivery was taking forever, so I decided to walk to the State Hospital myself to pick it up. I got a bit lost and frightened as creatures similar to those seen in the preview of Legion were chasing me.

- I was back overseas, and practice had just finished. I was in the process of changing clothes, but I got lazy after taking my shorts off. So, I just sat on the sideline with nothing but a tee shirt on (a la J Simp). Paul Shirley was sitting next to me, and we were talking about life overseas. There was some sort of female reporter in the gym. She kept looking at my junk, and I was digging it. Then Paul Shirley asked me to cover up, so I put shorts on.

- I was in my bedroom really concerned that the wind was going to knock my house over.

- I was on a high school reunion type tour of Bedford, NH. The tour was going up and down steep hills/apple orchards. I was sharing a tandem bicycle with a random former classmate, but I did not have access to the brakes. My classmate kept bombing down the hills really fast, and I was terrified that I would get hurt.

We stopped at this one spot, and there was ice cream on an altar. Some girls started singing some sort of frightening Christmas Carol/prayer while I was talking to a priest about ice cream. He bent over to let me try this special type of ice cream called "Sour and bitter ice cream." It was disgusting. When he bent over to open the ice cream, he must have bumped into the candle, because his hat was on fire. I laughed at him, until i realized that my hat was also on fire from when i bent down to taste the ice cream. (I read Gabe's vampire ice cream post right before going to bed. It probably influenced my dream.)

WAKE UP!

BONIN' BEYONCE

I was walking through a New England downtown area. I knew I was in Manchester, NH, even though the town I was in did not really look like Manchester. As I was walking down the street, Lady Gaga approached me.

- "I know about you," she said.

- "I'm sorry," I was a bit confused.

- "I heard about you and Beyonce," she replied.

It was at that moment that I remembered that I had fornicated with Beyonce on a previous occasion. There was no actual sex in the dream (I've still never experienced the pleasure of a wet dream), but in the dream I could vividly remember my sexual encounter with Beyonce. I remembered that she had been stuck in NH for an extended period of time shooting some music video. We happened to run into each other, and she just wanted to get her rocks off. Totally viable.

I was pretty excited too. How silly of me to need a reminder from lady Gaga about the intercourse I had with Beyonce?

- "You couldn't call her the next day?" Lady was not happy with me.

- "Oh, shit. Well, I know she has a man, so i was a little confused about the protocol on that."

- "Well, she told me about you," she said with a laugh.

- "What did she say?"

- "She said you have a small dick."

- "WHAAATT??!! NO WAY!!"

- "Yeah, she's been telling everyone."

- "Really? Everyone?"

- "Yeah, everyone. I bet you feel like a fool."

I contemplated this. "Actually, I don't. In fact, that's pretty fucking awesome. Nobody believed me when I told them that I had sex with Beyonce. Now everyone is going to know. That's outstanding!"

Then I got nervous that Jay-Z would find out.

Rise and shine.

Mom's Olde-Fashioned Baby Advice

I was at Thanksgiving with my family, and one of my white-trash cousins was pregnant (again). She was talking to my mom about when she had young kids, and asked my mom's thoughts on how to get her newborn to start drinking coffee.

My mom advised, “You have to make the coffee really milky so the baby doesn't mind as much. Then simply pinch the baby's nose until it starts to cry, and pour the coffee down its throat.”

Seems reasonable.

smoke monster

i'm boarding a plane, a big one, i think a 747, 'cause i'm flying to california. news is filtering in about a plane crash that just happened. 10 people were killed, and everyone's bummed about that. but, more importantly, we learn that lil wayne was on the plane and he made it out okay. people are so relieved, smiling and crying out of happiness. i go to find my seat to find that lil wayne is sitting next to me. uh oh.

time loop? has the lil wayne crash actually not happened yet? i hope wayne turns out to be eko.

David Cross, Mall Cop.

Last night I dreamed that I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping at a mall with my parents. I was bored and waiting around in one of those stupid concourse areas with a fountain where all the dads sit and look depressed, when I spotted a mall security guard who looked familiar. Suddenly I recognized him as actor/comedian David Cross. You may know him as Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development, or as this guy....
[adult swim] : Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! - Pizza Boy

Adult Swim UK | MySpace Video

Anyway, I introduced myself, and I guess he thought I was pretty cool, because he invited me to play basketball with him and a bunch of the other mall employees. It turned out he wasn't really that interested in being a security guard, he was doing it for amusement, or preparing for a role, or just for the weirdness of it, i don't know. Honestly, if you know anything about David Cross, this scenario probably wouldn't even seem that weird. He's kind of a rabble-rouser.

I think his plan was to clear out all of the tables and chairs in the Ground Round Grill, and make it into a basketball court. As awesome as this plan was, for some reason it never wound up happening, but everything worked out OK, because later in the dream I wound up playing b-ball with Rich Ladew and a few of our friends, and we used one of his kids as a basketball hoop. Swwwiiiisssh!

dream #1

little does gabe know i have been recording my dreams over the past few months. i was going to post some from when i started, but never mind that. you can ask next time you're in ladyland if such a thing interests you and i know it does because you're reading this, right?

without further ado, here's one from last night.

i'm in the kitchen with my mom. i ask her where keith richards has been. in the dream he's my dad but i know he's not my real dad, just my mom's "man," whatever that means. my mom says he's in england celebrating his birthday. i ask why she's not there. she says it's because she doesn't like traveling or england. i think about asking her if he pays child support but decide against it.

then i start daydreaming in my dream to try to plot a way to get money out of keith richards. i imagine us outside of a cafe and i act so charming that he cannot refuse my request and/or offers me money... except i don't actually know how to charm keith richards to the extent that he would do that so i get anxious.

riveting.

Like Stealing Ice Cream from Vampires

I was at a class picnic in a park on a balmy summer day, when I realized that I craved ice cream. The next thing I knew, I was standing at the counter of an ice cream shop ordering cookies n' cream, but to my dismay, I was informed by the grungy teenage ice cream clerk that my selection was sold out. I scanned the other flavors, even sampled a few, but nothing delivered the sweet creaminess with the crunchy chocolate cookieness that I suddenly intensely desired. After much deliberation and disappointment, the clerk told me in an exasperated tone, "I know what you need. Follow me."

He led me behind the storefront to a large warehouse building, which apparently functioned as an enormous walk-in freezer, though it was quite empty, save some loading docks and palettes. He handed me an old suitcase, bound tightly with packing tape and covered in a frost. From the handle hung a tag that said "Burnt Honey," and it contained the only ice cream that would satiate my demands. The clerk informed me that the flavor was still in development and not ready for release, so I had to be very discrete.

The enterprise had begun to feel rather clandestine. The clerk spoke in a low tone and frequently looked over his shoulder, and the overall emptiness of the storage room imbued me with a lugubrious discomfort. I shook his hand and thanked him for helping me find the best ice cream for my needs, but he suddenly shushed me and motioned for me to hide behind some pallets. Oblivion made me slow on the draw, and while I hid, a figure came over to investigate. I assumed he was some sort of supervisor, and maybe the clerk would be reprimanded for bringing a customer into the warehouse. The whole hiding thing seemd a bit unnecessary, so as the clerk explained the situation, I slinked out from the pallets and waited at a polite distance.

Suddenly the supervisor cocked his head, and instantly he turned and bolted toward me. As he grew near, I saw that his features were contorted demonically, his eyes burned like cinders and from his gaping mouth grew two enormous fangs. He leapt toward me with supernatural flight, and just as his jagged orifice was inches away from my face, a shot rang out and he exploded into a cloud of viscera. Some distance behind the cloud, I now saw the ice cream clerk/vampire slayer holding a smoldering shotgun at his hip.

I was somewhat shaken. The clerk sprinted over to me and explained that I had to leave immediately, because every other employee at the ice-cream factory was a vampire. He led me up into an adjacent factory building, pursued by a legion of the ice cream vampires who had heard the gunshot. We raced up several flights of stares, but somehow became separated. With the ice cream vampires still in hot pursuit, I quickly slipped into a women's bathroom and opened a window to get outside. I climbed into the window frame, briefcase of burnt-honey ice cream still in hand, and prepared for an epic leap to another rooftop many yards down and separated by a large gulf. Then I woke up.


ps. Hey kids, dreams can come true!